Edward Elric's FoolProof Plan of Courtship
by silvergray1358
Summary: When Ed devises a plan to make Alfons fall in love with him, he figures nothing could go wrong... right?


Title: Edward Elric's Fool-Proof Plan of Courtship

Author: Silvergray1358

Pairing: Edward Elric/Alfons Heiderich

Rating: M for language

Disclaimer: I own nothing of Fullmetal Alchemist

Summary: When Ed devises a plan to make Alfons fall in love with him, he figures nothing could go wrong... right? Done for 's FMA Slash Fest. Prompt- Ed/Alfons Heiderich – One of them just wants to do something nice/romantic for the other, but everything he tries to do goes wrong.

_Author's Note: Got the idea for this story from another fanfic that I read a long time ago in the RemusxSirius fandom, so thought I would credit the author. Story can be found here: http:/ sheafrotherdon. /2890 .html (without the spaces of course)_

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><p>_,.-"~^~"-.,_<p>

Edward Elric's Fool-Proof Plan of Courtship

1)Do recon mission to find out Alfons's favorite food (See Noah)

2)Exercise extreme culinary skills (See Gracia)

3)Get Hughes to set up picnic in that park by the river (Bribe with money)

4)Casually suggest a walk through the park after work

5)Share amazingly romantic picnic by riverside sunset

6)Suavely agree when asked to be his boyfriend

Edward ran over the list one last time before he stepped through the doorway in the laboratory. He looked around briefly, passing over the few heads that were bent over blueprints and diagrams on the designing table. Finally he spotted Alfons sitting at one of the work benches near the windows, deeply involved in tinkering with whatever small machine that he was working on. Edward approached slowly, more intent on watching the boy lost in whatever world of machinery he was in rather than disrupt him. But when Ed got to be only a couple yards away, Alfons picked up his head as stared at the boy like he had three heads.

"What are you doing here Ed? You have the day off," the blue-eyed blonde asked, putting down the small contraption and turning at his desk to face Ed.

"Well, um, I uh, figured that you would like some company on the walk home," the former alchemist said, trying to hide the fact that he had a lot more than that up his sleeve. Alfons just stared at him again, eyes big, with a look of confusion before it melted away and he began to laugh.

"Oooh, I get it. You got bored at home and decided that you could come here to bother me."

"What? I have no idea what you're talking about!" Ed defended, pretending not to remember the past five times he had been given the day off. He had always started off with the intentions of just taking a relaxing walk, but somehow he had always found his way back to the laboratory, where he would sit and inject comments and suggestions while Alfons worked, but never actually did anything.

"Okay, suuuure," Alfons drawled, rolling his eyes before adjusting the items on his desk, cleaning up a bit, before standing up. He stretched and smiled when there came a satisfying pop from his back. "I guess it is time to head on home anyways. Just give me a sec to settle things before we leave."

Ed waited patiently (something he rarely did) as Alfons gathered up his things and gave a few last comments to his co-workers before they both headed outside and down the street. The weather was beautiful outside as they amiably walked side by side along the sidewalk. It was still about an hour before sunset, and the golden rays were giving everything a warm glow as they closed the three block distance to the park. But Ed was too busy running over everything in his head to notice the gorgeous sunlight or the warm breeze.

_Okay, I made the Badish… Badische Schlup…. Badische Schupfnudeln? Oh, whatever, the stupid potato noodles, and the uh…apfelkuchen? Er, is that what Noah called it? Whatever, it was the cake thing with apples and raisins. Why does this world have really messed up names for everything? Nevermind that, it's off subject. Okay, I also paid Hughes. I can't believe he made me pay a whole ten Reichsmark for this deal. Such a cheapskate. Doesn't he realize it's for a good cause!... Oh shit, is that the park already!_

Indeed, the pair just began to approach the park on the left side of them, just like they always did when they walked home. Usually they would both glance over to the people relaxing there; couples sitting on benches, children on the wooden playground, or people walking their dogs, but never did they ever walk through. The street that lead them to their apartment was only one more block away, and in the opposite direction, and they hardly ever went over to this side of town unless it was for work, but every once and a while, Alfons would casually suggest spending a day there; to relax. As they grew closer to the gap in the wooden fence that served as the entrance, Ed gathered up his nerve and decided to strike.

"Hey, how about we take a walk through the park today?" Ed said, trying to sound as casual as possible.

"I don't know… It's been a long day at work and I'm sort of tired," Alfons replied as he watched a young mother and father carry what appeared to be their two year old son around playfully.

_Shit, shit, shit, shit…_

"Aw, come on. It's so nice out, and I'm sure a little walk will be very relaxing," Ed said as he grabbed onto Alfons's sleeve and began to pull him into the park, making sure that Alfons wouldn't refuse.

"Uh… I guess so. If you really insist…" Alfons mumbled awkwardly as he was dragged along.

_Yes, I do._

Ed had told Hughes to place out the picnic supplies and amazing spread of food (sure, it was a little burnt, but Ed figured they could always eat around those spots) and to stand by, hidden, until they arrived. Ed had described a place that was just over a knoll further into the park. It was the perfect place. The hill hide most of it from view, giving it a little bit of privacy, and it was still close to the river; a view of the footbridge and Munich skyline creating a magical atmosphere. Ed had scoped out this area specific and made sure to describe it in great detail to Hughes, so that it would be perfect. Little did Edward Elric know, Hughes had found the spot that he was told about with relative ease, and even managed to set up the whole picnic with some sort of finesse, but standing around and waiting was not something that Officer Hughes did best, and after only about 20 minutes, had left to go home.

_This is going to be great. Surely Alfons will be so impressed with everything that he will definitely agree to bein—_

That was as far as Ed's thoughts had gotten when they began to reach the crest of the small hill, finally reveling the "magical spot" that was supposed to win Alfons over. Instead of a lovely picnic for two, it looked like a tornado had hit… until Ed realized that the source of the tornado was not a gale force wind, but instead, a stray mutt.

"Oh no!" Ed immediately shouted, forgetting that Alfons was standing right there and had no prior knowledge of this surprise. He ran over to the blanket on the ground and tried to shoo the dog away, but he had eaten so much that he was bloated and too tired to run away. Alfons was there a second later.

"This dog must have gotten into somebody's picnic! What a shame!" the German boy said as he stared at the mess of noodles and cake that was all over the ground and surrounding the dog like a big guilty sign.

"I can't believe this!" Ed shouted again, and then began to look around for Hughes, trying to find where he could be standing, even though he knew that he wasn't here. Otherwise, _this_ never would have happened.

Alfons bent over and pet the dog, showing that he wasn't going to hurt it. The dog just laid there on its side, stomach extended as it panted from the attention. "I think that this dog is sick…" he said almost sadly.

"Of course he is! Look at all the food he ate!" Ed yelled, shooting daggers at the mutt who had decided that he wasn't going to pay any attention to the short, loud human.

"I'm serious, Edward. I think we should take him to the vets."

"What?" Ed asked incredulously.

But Alfons didn't answer. Instead, he picked up the dog carefully and began to walk back to the entrance of the park. Ed couldn't do anything except stare that the horrible failure laying around him and then shuffle his feet after the other boy. It was only another two blocks to the vets, but Ed was shooting glares at that dog the whole way.

_,.-"~^~"-.,_

Edward Elric's Fool-Proof Plan of Courtship (Part 2)

1)Buy book that Alfons has been looking for

2)Write romantic saying on the inside cover to woo him

3)Bring to flea market near the church and bribe stand to hold it for me

4)Casually suggest going to flea market

5)"Accidentally" stumble upon book and show him inscription

6)Suavely agree when asked to be his boyfriend

Ed ran over the list one last time before shoving the piece of paper into his pocket. He was walking down the street, book in hand, and was heading towards one of the local churches that were close to their apartment. He had seen an advertisement in the Sunday newspaper for a flea market that took place every Saturday from nine to two, and that is when he came up with his second attempt. Ed had been at the old bookstore on Maiden street, one of his favorites, when he had stumbled upon an old, dusty tome. The book itself had been about early designs in rocketry, or something similar, but the only reason he had bought it was because he recognized the title as one that Alfons had mentioned a few times. He had been surprised to find this book that he knew that Alfons had wanted for quite some time, but when he got it, he knew that this would be a crucial part in plan "win-over-Alfons-with-extreme-charm".

Ed approached the flea market and set out on his task. Within a few minutes, he had found what he was looking for. One small table was placed in one of the center rows, the owner of the booth being a tiny, elderly lady who made moving look like it was one of the slowest tasks in the world, but had such a warm face, that you'd be more afraid that she would try to feed you a three course meal rather than shoo you off her property. Ed made a beeline towards her and gently tried to get her attention.

"Excuse me?" he asked nervously, wondering if he should ask louder. But thankfully she heard him and turned towards him.

"Yes son?" she asked in a soft voice, her wrinkled hands running over the mismatched, odd collectables that she had placed on the top of her booth.

"Um, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. You see, I have this book, and I want to surprise my friend with it…" he paused briefly, flipping the book over in his hands so the woman could get a look at it. "And I was wondering if you would keep it here on your table so we could 'accidentally' find it, if you know what I mean." He realized he was blushing and he hoped the woman wouldn't notice.

"Oooh, I see son. You want it to be a surprise," she said with a wink.

"Haha, yeah," Edward agreed amiably when he saw that the woman understood. "I just need someone to hold onto this book and not sell it until we come by. I'm willing to pay you…"

"Oh, don't suggest such a foolish thing, son. I will gladly hold onto it for you," she said with a tender smile.

Ed handed her the book and watched as she flipped it open to scan through the pages. She stopped on the front page, where Ed had written a short inscription.

_~Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art-_

_Not in lone splendor hung aloft the night_

_And watching, with eternal lids apart,_

_Like Nature's patient, sleepless Eremite._

_-To Alfons, my bright star~_

He had found the poem in an old book in the library and for some reason it had made him think of Alfons, so he had decided to ink it onto the front cover. He shuffled nervously as she read it, but relaxed a little when he saw her smile deepen and give him a warm, knowing look.

"You go grab your friend, now," she said, politely dismissing him.

"Thank you so much m'am," Ed said, scurrying away to go grab Alfons.

It hadn't taken much to coax the boy from the apartment and he seemed actually excited to go to the flea market. Ed was just glad he didn't have to pull any teeth like last time as they approached the edge of the lawn covered in booths. Ed tried to direct the blue-eyed boy into the direction of the old woman's booth, but Alfons kept getting distracted by other tables around him. Ed had to wait for a full twenty minutes while Alfons browsed on this middle-aged man's table covered in old gadgets. Ed was shuffling his feet, looking extremely out of place when the first boom of thunder roared through the air. A few people glanced up at the sky, Ed one of them, and saw the blusterous, black clouds that had rolled in and began to turn the daylight from a warm yellow to a dull gray.

"Sure looks like it's gonna rain any second," Alfons said, walking up to Ed's side with an antique, yet broken, clock in his hand. And almost on cue, fat raindrops began to make their decent to the earth, staining the dirt and slicking the grass.

"Come on!" Ed yelled and they made their way to under a huge oak tree that stood on the edge of the market. A few people ducked under awnings that they had, while others ran to the street, slipping into buildings. Ed and Alfons stood next to the trunk of the oak whose branches were blocking out the majority of the rain.

_Great. Just great. Please please please rain, go away._

The rain took fifteen minutes before it finally listened to Edward's pleas. The quick downpour left about as soon as it came, but the ominous clouds still took over most of the sky. Gingerly, the two stepped out from the cover of the leaves.

"Hmm," Alfons hummed as he peered around, watching people beginning to come out from their hiding places. "Well, is there anywhere you wanted to look, or should we just go?"

"No!" Ed shouted before he could reel himself back in. "Er- I mean, there's one table that I saw that I think we should check out…"

"Okay, sure," Alfons offered happily and began to follow Ed as they made their way down one of the aisles.

Ed spotted the booth and made a bee line for it. When they arrived, they saw the old woman just begin to walk over to her table again from a neighboring booth that had a cover over it. She made eye-contact with Ed, but she had a upset look on her face. Ed followed her gaze to the top of the table and saw all of the items covered in water droplets and sitting in puddles on the tabletop. He immediately searched for the book and felt his heart drop.

_Ooooooh, come on! WHY?_

Alfons's present was swollen with water and the brown cover almost looked black. Ed picked it up and winced when water poured out of it and squished in his hand. Alfons peered over his shoulder at the damaged book and when he read the cover, he took it from his limp hand.

"Aw, I've been looking for this book everywhere!" Alfons said sadly as he stared at the water-logged book. He flipped the cover open and saw the front page. "Hmm, it looked like something was written in the front cover," he said, holding the book out for Ed to see. Bright blue splotches of ink soaked the page, destroying all the script except for the words "splendor" and "my bright".

"Oh well, I guess I can find it somewhere else," he said, placing the book back down on the table and giving the elderly lady an apologetic look. Ed didn't see the sorry look the woman gave him as he shuffled behind Alfons, cursing the weather the whole time.

_,.-"~^~"-.,_

Edward Elric's Fool-Proof Plan of Courtship (Part 3!)

1)Go to the store on the corner of Bremen and Marl

2)Pick up candles, flowers, and all that other girly crap (Ask sales assistant)

3)Get Noah to take Alfons out for a few hours (probably shopping)

4)Fix dinner (CAREFULLY) and set up table

5)Surprise him with amazingly romantic dinner

6)Suavely agree when asked to be his boyfriend

Ed ran over the list one last time before crumpling up the small piece of paper and throwing it into the trash bin. Ed agreed mentally with himself; this time, the plan was perfect. He got to showcase his culinary skills (which were improving, he had hardly burnt anything this time), it didn't rely on the extremely lazy Officer Hughes, and no weather or rogue animals could disturb it either.

He had spent all day setting up the dinner table with fancy place settings that the sales girls down at the store had suggested. He had even picked up flowers from Gracia and placed them in a large vase in the center of the round table, surrounded by little tea-light candles that he had also picked up. The food was in the kitchen and almost ready and Alfons was due at any moment to arrive back home after a forced trip to the shops down on Oak street with Noah. Ed fixed his clothes, some nice ones that Hohenheim had given him before he had left, and cleaned up anything that he might have missed before. He wanted it to be perfect for when Alfons got home.

"Alright, there's still two minutes left on the timer for the oven, the table's set, how do I look?" Ed asked himself out loud as he looked down at the clothes he had on. He figured that he was looking the best he was gonna get, and decided to let it go. He ran over to the window and saw Alfons and Noah strolling down the street together. The German boy was carrying two bags that were filled with bought items of Noah's. They stopped again at one of the shops and Noah was saying something while pointing at the window filled with dresses. Ed couldn't help but stare at the blonde boy down on the street. He was smiling at whatever Noah was saying and Ed was memorized it. The way the sunlight hit his hair, making it look almost white, the way his eyes sparkled when he was happy, his slender body gracefully long as he stood there on the sidewalk, shoulders back, hips slightly slanted forwards while—

…_wait, what is that smell?_

Ed spun around just in time to see a cloud of brownish smoke puff its way into the kitchen from the dining room. He sprinted into the room and saw the horror that was just beginning. One of the small tea-light candles that he had lit had apparently gotten too close to the bouquet of flowers on the table and the whole vase was on fire, the green plants flaming gently as the fire tried to consume the young flowers. Without thinking, Ed picked up the whole vase, spilling some water and knocking over drinking glasses and skewing the table cloth. Carrying the burning flowers, he ran into the sink where he threw the whole thing into said sink which currently housed dirty dishes from his cooking. He turned the water on and sighed deeply as the whole flaming bouquet hissed out with a final burst of smoke.

But Ed quickly realized that there was a new smell, and this time, it was coming from right there in the kitchen. Whipping himself around, he saw to his dismay a new stream of smoke, and this time it was radiating from the oven.

"Oh shit! The food!" Ed threw the oven door open, coughing slightly when he inhaled the puff of smoke that came out at his face. He reached for the pan that was sizzling and then immediately snapped his hand back when he burnt it on the edge of the pan. Hissing and mentally cursing himself for being an idiot he grabbed the potholder sitting on the counter and quickly pulled the burnt food out of the oven.

The roast that he had been cooking now had a charcoal shell while the fat sizzled angrily and threatened to burn any exposed skin. "Aww, fuck. What am I going to do now?" he asked himself, taking in the sight of the apartment. The dining room looked like a war-zone. The table was a mess, place settings ruined and thrown all over the table and ash covering a lot of table and floor, making a trail leading in the kitchen. Ed didn't have to look back in there to know just how bad everything was. Dishes were everywhere, burnt food, and the whole apartment now smelt like smoke, even though the windows were open. Ed had a feeling like it was going to smell like that for a long time.

His heart dropped though when he heard the door open and Alfons step into the apartment.

"What is going on in here?" Alfons asked, mouthed agape as he slowly placed his bag down and took a few hesitant steps into the dining room. His eyes took in everything in front of him before taking in the sight of a disheveled Ed standing there, a look of defeat on his face.

"I'm so sorry Alfons, I was just… I don't know… I thought that…" Ed stuttered, realizing he looked more and more like an idiot as he kept talking.

There was a short pause as Alfons took another look around before sighing. "Ed, did you really think that I didn't know what was going on?" Alfons asked with a small smile. He closed the distance between the two of them and ran his hands over Ed's shoulders, trying to relax him.

"You… what?" Ed stammered, unable to believe what he was hearing.

Alfons chuckled softly before letting the smile melt back onto his face. "Sure, I mean, the picnic, the flea market, and now this dinner. I figured out that you were just trying to do something nice for me, and I really appreciate it."

Ed let his head drop again in defeat. "Yeah, too bad it was all a waste of time."

"I wouldn't call it that," the blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy said with a smirk. He pressed himself against the former alchemist. Ed reactively placed his hands on the boy's hips and held him close.

Ed looked at Alfons, looked into his eyes, and saw that he was serious. Ed saw a determination and want in his eyes and became instantly aware of just how close they really were. Calmly, Ed raised his still slightly burnt hand and slid it around to the back of Alfons's head. The German boy's eyes fluttered close for a second before gazing back into the former alchemist's. This time Ed saw demand, and he obliged as he leaned in and gingerly placed a kiss on the soft lips before him. His heart was pounding and his mind was racing, but he eventually became aware enough to notice that he needed air and pulled back slightly, resting his forehead on Alfons's.

There was just the soft sound of breaths before Alfons ran his hand over Ed's face, forcing him to tip his head up to look back at his face.

"Just promise me. Next time, let me cook," Alfons said with a smile.

Ed chuckled and pulled the boy close to him again. "Sounds like a deal to me," he said before taking another kiss.


End file.
